There is a scene early in the 2000 Russel Crowe movie Gladiator where
is character Maximus is standing in the entry way of small coliseum,
the walls shake and dusts falls as the crowd chants and bangs waiting
for the arrival of Maximus in the arena.
This is how I pictured myself as I stood in the darkened entry to the
run for your lives 5k. My wife by my side holding hands as we could
hear the other tunnels count down, both of us with butterflies in our
stomachs.
(Pictured: Not Me)
Finally it was our turn, the crowd counted 5…4…3…2…1 The gate
swung open and our tunnel started pouring out onto the course. Ali and I
ran out taking the first turn to the right we were instantly in mud and
running water. We both ran through the water
coming around the first sandy incline of the race. Starting up the
incline there were the first few zombies of many we would run into.
Fighting up the hill I went to the left, Ali the right, as I got past
the first group I turned around to see Ali on her knees
after falling. For some reason I just stood there, starred as she got
up and got up the incline with me. We then started a long uphill
run/walk/climb. Remember when people make the joke saying that when
they were your age they had to walk 5 miles to school
uphill both ways? Well without exaggeration I can say for the next mile
we went on the longest uphill climb I have ever been on. It felt like
it went on forever, we walked, and walked and walked. It was at this
point, as I was gasping for air, that I realized
I was no Maximus. After what felt like about a 50 mile walk we finally
started making our way back downhill again, and of course we ran into a
new group of zombies, this time we both made it through a big group and
two smaller groups of zombies without losing
any flags. The next obstacle was pretty much a giant mudslide, we
crawled under a low tunnel then just sitting in the mud we took off down
the hill, our shorts filling with mud the entire way down. At the
bottom of the hill I stood up easily weighting about
5 more pounds, all in my shorts. I took two steps and then slipped and
splashed back down into the mud. Looking up at my wife I saw a smile,
then a laugh, touché karma. We reached the one and only water station
of the race downing a few glasses quickly then
we were back off again, climbing a low wall.
Running up another small
hill we came up to a black structure that seemed similar to a old style
barn that you see in almost every old zombie movie. Scrawled across the
side was “Abandon All Hope” and by this time
I am pretty sure I had. Once inside the barn I could instantly hear a
very low, very small consistent humming sound. Hanging from the
ceiling over the length of the barn were yellow and black open wires,
pretty much open electrodes. This was my first chance
to get electrocuted on the course and at least this time I got through
without a shock.
(I do what the building tells me)
Exiting the barn was group of more zombies which we
made it through fairly easily, and once we made our way back up another
small incline we were faced with a childhood
menace: monkey bars. You were given two options try and cross the
monkey bars or just swim through the dirty water beneath. Ali, taking
the smart route, just leapt into the water and dashed across. I decided
that I would try to get across the monkey bars.
I stood on the ledge reaching out I grabbed the first bar and swung, and
thinking I was till in grade school decided to try and take two bars at
a time. Reaching out I latched onto the second bar and realized I had
no momentum or strength to get across. My
legs kicking wildly I dangled over the water and finally resigned myself
to my stupid plan and just let myself plunge into the water below. Ali
and I both climbed out of the water rounding a corner coming up to our
next obstacle, a maze. In all honesty at
this point I think I was ready to quite, I was tired and sore and could
barely catch my breath. I figured “hey some people quite before the top
of the first hill this was good run. Thankfully Ali's resolve was stronger than my own and she kept me motivated to enter the maze of zombies. This obstacle turned out to be much easier than expected and we slipped by a few zombies who seemed confused as to what they were supposed to do.
As we rounded the track we ran into some small hills and a few groups of zombies, including a Vikings zombie to which Ali cheerfully exclaimed and pointed at me "He's a Packer fan!!" To my advantage though this zombie was wearing a Dante Cullpepper jersey, and was about as agile as Dantie Cullpepper looked his last year in the league. We outdashed a few more zombies, I lost a flag in the process but we finally reached what turned out to be the most relaxing part of the race, walking upstream. We stepped into the water and slowly started making our way upstream the water at this point just a little above our ankles. This part seamed great until we reached the next obstacle. I don't know that it was called but basically you had to crawl through a long tunnel of wooden upside-down v's. The crawl started fine in the stream but as we got onto land I looked down at my knees and saw blood in the sand under where I was kneeling, and for once the sight of my own blood actually made me feel like I was doing something hardcore. At this point Ali looked over and said "This feels like we are on the challenge" and I couldn't help but laugh and smile. Having someone there with you to go through this made the experience way more enjoyable. As we exited the wooden obstacle a group of zombies was instantly waiting and we were faced with two options, go right and walk through dry land, or go left and run back into the water. As we stood up Ali said "lets go right" and thats when the zombie moaned "goooood luckkkkkkk." In a flash Ali dashed left and was in the water I took off after her and to both of our shocks a zombie dashed into the water right behind her getting a pretty scream. (Just a side note, if you are a girl the zombies seemed to enjoy chasing you way more).
Finally we cleared the zombies and started the walk upstream again. eventually finding our way back onto dry land we discovered we had passed a large group of other runners by going the water route so it was totally work getting waterlogged to save a little time. Back on land we were in the home stretch, unfortunately we ran into a very aggressive zombie that did manage to get both Ali and I's final flags. We made our way up the final hill running into a very sparse scattering of zombies until we reached the very top of another large hill. Slowly we had to descend a very steep hill that pretty much forced you to slide down it or almost fall face first. The bottom of that slope brought us to the most fun looking obstacle, the largest slip and slide I have ever seen and at the bottom a giant wet mud bog.
Ali and I decided we would ride the slide together. Now it looks really fun but in the end it was the equivalent of your mom and dad laying out a slip and slide on a gravel road. We flew down the slide and suddenly Ali started picking up more speed and pulled ahead of me. At this point I knew the only option was that we were going to collide, she had gotten far enough ahead to hit the water first but not far ahead enough to be out of the water by the time I hit. Ali hit the water with a splash and a second later I slammed into her and the water in a fairly hard and a little painful collision. Undaunted we both stood up and took our final steps towards the finish line and the final obstacle, a electric fence. I dropped down and started crawling, at this point i was so tired i was struggle to focus on staying glued to the muddy ground and took several pretty good shocks. Crawling through to the other side Ali was working her way under the fence as a course official kept yelling her to go, its pretty cruel at the final obstacle the crowd yells taunts at you. She worked her way through and I pulled her out of the last few feet, we stood up stumbled into the finish gate and completed what was probably the most physical demanding event either of us have ever done. It was tiring, it hurt, i got sunburned, bled, fell, and honestly looking back I feel like i would do it again in a heart beat. We were rewarded with a medal and a free beer, and it was the best mich golden I ever drank.
